“Did you know that no matter how many pretzels you eat you’ll never feel full?” “Is that like science?” “No, it’s like… the internet.”

“Matthew, Mark, Luke, & JOHN CENA!”

“I just saw a girl with a headband so far down on her forehead that I had to look twice because I thought she was wearing earmuffs.”

“Dude, you have a red mountain on your face.”

“I’m going to pin your cat to a board and throw darts at it.”

“I’m producing snot faster than bunnies produce babies.”

“I wish I was on the dance team!” “Me too…but I can’t move that fast…my brain can’t even move that fast.”

“I have five dads and hate all of them.”

“Does anyone else want to ask the Taliban why they care?”