How to Not Forget Your Friends Over the Summer

Stelle Bensenhaver, Satire Columnist

With 3 months of summer ahead of us, this extraneous amount of time may be daunting for you and your acquaintances. However, we here at the Rocket Launch have science-backed data to help prevent this.  

  1. Put little cut outs of your friends to sprinkle around your house. Every time you turn off your lights, grab a bowl from a cabinet, or look up at your ceiling, little pictures of your friends will be smiling at you so you can’t forget them. 
  2. Play mindful games, like Solitaire, to improve your memory. One of my friends who wishes to remain anonymous religiously plays Solitaire on her HP laptop, and she is taking two AP classes (5 in total) and probably has a high GPA.  
  3. Take brain supplements, like Prevagan. Although not FDA approved, some pharmacists recommend old people take this to prevent Alzheimer’s. Although jellyfish have no brains, they are the main ingredient of this experimental drug. Maybe the lack of brain will improve yours.  
  4. Quit smoking. The CDC reported that smoking causes inflammation to brain cells, which may cause you to prematurely forget your peers. Even if Big Tabaco has a chokehold on your day-to-day life, just say no to cigarettes lest you forget your pals.  
  5. Don’t age. Aging is the number one cause of dementia, meaning that if you stay forever young, you will most likely not forget your friends in the 3-month period you won’t see them every day.  
  6. Tar and feather your friends. It is notoriously hard to remove tarred feathers off of human flesh, so if you want your friends to not forget you, give them a semi-permanent daily reminder of your presence. Also, it’s less expensive than tattoos.