I said it last time and I’m saying it now. I just find it suspicious that we haven’t gotten to see what –A’s up to these past few episodes, and that we’ve instead received a look into Ali’s life in prison….Coincidence? I have no idea.

Okay, so first Toby runs into Ali at the local prison (I don’t know why they have so many prisons. The town consists of like 1,000 people). Anyway, Ali tells him that being “fresh meat” at prison isn’t the easiest thing. Obviously. What happened to the tough Ali who pushed Ian off the bell tower and slapped Mona in the church? Ali tries to remind Toby of the time he spent in prison to make him feel compassion for her- oh, there’s the old Ali. But police officer Toby remains firm and says that he hasn’t forgotten the reason he was in jail in the first place (OH SNAP!) For those who don’t know why this is an “oh, snap” moment, long story short Ali blackmailed Toby and sent him to prison. He did nothing wrong to end up there.

Later, the Liars are at school discussing college and what not. Totally normal stuff when you’ve been a senior for 4 seasons. It’s about time they got around to college. Hanna reveals that she’s gotten into several colleges while Aria has gotten into…how many was it…oh, none. Meanwhile, Toby informs Spencer that Detective Tanner ordered a sweep of Mona’s backyard to try to find Mona’s body.

Toby finds a bloodied knife (that was his father’s) and covers it up so no one else will see it- crowd cheers. Finally they understand that every murder weapon is a chance to frame them. He later tells Spencer and Caleb (for whatever reason Caleb is there without Hanna) that he has to go back and get it- crowd boos. What follows is a Spoby + Caleb argument. Toby thinks it’s the real weapon, Spencer is worried that it could have Toby’s prints, and Caleb is worried that it could have his or Hanna’s. Spencer wants to side with Toby but knows Caleb is right. This results in both parties agreeing not to touch the knife and let what happens happen.

Caleb tells Hanna about the knife and she abandons her college visit to find Detective Holbrook who’s supposedly on leave caring for his ill father. So Hanna treks all the way to some trailer park where a creepy guy is slaughtering a deer and still gets out of her car to find Holbrook. She also leaves the doors on her BMW or Mercedes or whatever nice car she has unlocked. That’s important for later. When she finds Holbrook’s father she asks him where his son is. He claims to have no clue. So Det. Holbrook lied…shocker. The father then asks Hanna why she doesn’t know where Holbrook is. And then asks her if she’s out on bail. *Gasp* Does he think she’s Ali…or CeeCee. Probably Ali. Where even is CeeCee by the way. She risks coming back into the States to attend a winter dance and then what? Just left again? But back to the unlocked doors. Hanna arrives back at her car to find all the doors open and her bear from her college visit sitting in the driver’s seat with a string coming out of its stomach. When she pulls the string, a bunch of nasty deer guts pour out. Okay, I was expecting a bomb or something but that’s pretty bad too.

And now the moment every PLL fan has been waiting for since one episode ago…the re-opening of The Brew…or whatever Ezra’s calling it now. So after Aria “crushed Zac’s scones”, The Brew was open for a buyer. Ezra bought it and turned it into some sort of book store/coffee shop. Alright. So throughout the entire episode, Emily is stressed out because Paige has been dodging her texts and calls. Emily’s solution: go to California for spring break and MAKE her talk to me. But as one can imagine, ticket prices from Pennsylvania to California, especially for spring break, are through the roof. And apparently the unlimited money that the Liars have to buy everything else isn’t valid for plane tickets. Emily’s solution here: cater Ezra’s opening instead of making coffee for it to make more money. The only problem…she can’t cook. Long story short, Ezra hires Emily because Aria gives him a sassy look and Ezra ends up replacing Emily because her food is…uh…subpar.

And after all the blackmail the Liars have been through, especially Aria, you think they’d know by now to stop doing, saying, and writing stupid things, especially Aria. She’s desperate to get into any college at all, and when Aria gets rejected from a college she thought would be a “slam dunk”, she knows something’s up. This time, it’s not –A. It’s Jackie, Ezra’s ex-fiancé (cue menacing music). Even though Ezra tells her she could “write The Grapes of Wrath and still not get in, Aria tries anyway. She gets personal in her essay. Too personal. She writes about how she hates that she “squandered” her high school years by getting involved with an older guy. Yes Ezria fans, it’s truly heartbreaking. Emily begs Aria not to send it, saying that if Ezra saw it, he would be crushed. Aria reveals that she already sent it and rushes to the college the next day to ask Jackie to delete the email with her essay. However, Jackie has already read it…and liked it. She says it made her realize she wasted too much time on Ezra. She promises Aria that she would never show it to him and later sends Aria an email that says “you’re in, girl.” Because apparently they’re on a “girl” basis now.

But just because Jackie promised she wouldn’t share the essay doesn’t mean –A won’t. Aria finds a little sentence of it taped to a bookmark and stuffed inside a book about colleges in Ezra’s shop. It’s the part about how she “squandered” her high school years. I may have to stop watching this show so I don’t have to see Ezra’s face if he ever sees that letter. Or if he ever finds out about Aria and Wes (Ezra’s brother) kissing. That was random but it’s still a secret and I never want him to find out.

Meanwhile, Spencer and Caleb go get the knife from Mona’s yard after Caleb tells Spencer that he’s been arrested for suspicion of murder before. The search for the knife, find it, and Caleb drives off to go dispose of it. But someone in this show finally comes to their senses and realizes that throwing something in a lake doesn’t get rid of it for good. I mean –A fished a whole cop car out of the lake. Caleb goes back to Spencer and says that as long as this knife exists, -A is going to get his/her hands on it. So instead of throwing it in Spencer’s fire place, which wouldn’t have worked but that’s what they do with everything else in this show and it disappears, they head to the school kiln. Apparently Rosewood High, nor the classroom with the kiln, or the kiln itself are locked at night. Now a kiln just seems like a bad idea when you have a person who stalks you, but whatever. Also, Spencer chooses the 10 seconds where Caleb has to actually walk into the kiln to see what the noise outside the room is. She could’ve waited for him to exit the kiln first, but, again, whatever. As one could predict, Caleb gets locked in the kiln while Spencer is wandering the halls because a window is making noises. She gets back just in time to see Caleb nearly dead on the floor of the kiln. She pulls him out and locks the door, leaving the knife inside to meet its demise. Also, there are a ton of people’s ceramics projects in there. I mean, they could’ve politely taken them out and put them back to prevent explosion and people failing art class. But whatever.

Toby goes back for the knife and sees that Caleb and Spencer went back for it. Apparently both sides broke their deal. Toby says that he was doing it for the law and Spencer says that protecting them and the girls (and Caleb) was more important. Toby responds by screaming to Spencer that she can’t tell him these kinds of things now that he’s a police officer. Spencer sadly reminds him that he told her she could tell him anything. Toby hides his sad puppy dog eyes and walks away. So great. Spoby is on the rocks and in other news there is no hope for humanity.

And lastly, the –A shot. Okay, I guess I can’t call it that now since it’s not –A really but like I said before, it could be a coincidence. Or not. We’ll never know. I mean legitimately we may never know. This show will never end. Anyway, I guess me accusing her of being –A doesn’t really make sense when Ali gets a note from –A in prison that says “Your friends will see you soon.” But it isn’t signed –A. It could be from someone who’s about to confess to the murder saying that Ali is going to be out of prison soon, not that all the Liars are going to be in prison soon, but who knows? Okay it probably means they’re all going to be in prison soon. But anyway, -A is notoriously proud of her work. She’d sign the note if she went through all the trouble to get it in the pocket of Ali’s prison jumpsuit which for some reason still has pockets despite the plot of The Shawshank Redemption.

Okay, I’m almost done but there’s still one thing left. Arguably the most important part of the episode. JASON DILAURENTIS KISSED HANNA’S MOM! Okay, that’s it. Actually no it’s not. Ms. Marin is dating a pastor. I mean, that has to be some sort of sin right? Cheating on a pastor? How about cheating on anyone with a guy nearly your daughter’s age? Or just cheating in general, I guess. But really, poor Pastor Ted.

Okay, now that’s really it. Any –A theories this time?

Article by: Victoria Shircliffe